Vernon's World Presents:

NEXT MONTHS NEWS

International News: The first positive results are coming through from last months G8 summit where Third World debt was discussed . Sales of Bollinger and caviar in May broke all records . Limousine rental companies are predicting record profits . The week of the summit was the warmest since records began . This was due to all the hot air in the atmosphere .

Local news : After last months horrendous scenes in Birmingham city centre when traffic was stopped and people were seen walking on cars (? -Ed), a new campaigning organisation has been set up. A spokesperson for 'Re-Reclaim the Streets' said " We have been strongly criticised for our actions . Yet history shows that the streets are rightfully ours . Since heroes such as Ford and Benz we have built the roads . Motorways and dual carriageways were carved through the countryside . We dug huge gravel pits in the countryside for the resources to build these roads . They are ours . You pedestrians will never dare to enter our heartland of the M25 . You will end up in coffins like the hundreds of thousand who have tried to cross the roads in the past !"

Sport 1: Englands hopes of winning the World Cup soared as football clubs banned their highly expensive assets ( i.e. the players ) from taking part in the competition for fear of injury . F.I.F.A. have decided that countries can adopt the Third World children who make the football kits and the balls to play . A spokesperson for the English F.A. said " We have had scouts watching the kids in the kickabouts they have while on the obligatory five minute break during their twelve hour shifts and have signed up the best . Our only problem we have had in training is getting them used to playing in daylight ."

Sport 2 : The Dangerous Sports club will be descending on Britain this Summer . Members have done everything from jumping from a plane without a parachute to leaping the Grand Canyon on a moped . They now face their toughest challenge , they have vowed to spend a week sunbathing and swimming on our beaches .

Vernon Hadley